DO THE HENDRY
April 7 2001)
FOR ADULTS (published
April 7 2001)
In a widespread fit of pique and jealousy, parents across the country are demanding sex education on a comparable scale with their overly-informed children. Except without the caring sharing relationship cosy bits.
Clueless clitoris seekers throughout the land have welcomed the government's new initiatives in showing grown ups what to do with their mysterious dangly bits.
Our picture below graphically reproduces a detailed picture from the latest Sexecutive's pubic information pamphlet, 'How to turn on a man/woman':
POLICE TO DEPLOY
Fezzes for Fuzzies
Bobbies on the beat are to be given two mirrors each so it looks like there's more of them.
The radical plan to bolster police numbers was unveiled yesterday by the glamourous assistant of the chief of polis, Sir Thomas Cooper. Recruits are to be taught basic magic skills and are expected to disarm potential ne'er-do-wells using only sleight of hand and optical illusions.
Wands will take the place of the traditional truncheon and the standard helmet will be replaced by a striking red fez. Police whistles are also expected to be superseded by those annoying hooter things beloved of foreign football fans.
Local criminal support groups welcomed the plans although they cautioned that the measures fell short of supplying each officer with a glittery tuxedo with multicoured hankies and concealed pigeons.
Sir Thomas Cooper commented, 'One has to draw the line somewhere. That is why we are refusing to give in to the Evil Drugs Barons Union's insistence that we deploy rabbits instead of alsations. That would be silly.'
A spokesperson for the Magic Circle said, 'I'm not telling you anything. Pick a card, any card.'
TORY CULL BEGINS
The culling of Conservative politicians accused of frightening the populace with their hideous facial features has begun.
Their gin and tonics will be spiked by shovel-loads of lime in what has been described as 'what they would have wanted.'
The humane programme was activated after growing pressure from long suffering members of the great unwashed who for too long now have suffered the indignities of being confronted by the party faithful's ugly mugs day in day out.
So far no one has objected. Not even their mums.
At last, conclusive proof has emerged of Scotland's First Minister's ancestry. As long suspected, Oor Hen is actually descended from the species Muppetus Fozzius, as the following movie clip confirms:
SORRY? NOW SAY
PLEASE...PRETTY PLEASE (published
Now that Dubya's said he's sorry, very sorry, the Reckless says the Americans aren't getting their ball back until they say please...pretty please.
What ball is this I hear you cry? Why the football of course. It's not oval and it's not for carrying around while dressed as a JCB calling yourself a fridge.
And while we're at it Captain Kirk bears absolutely no resemblance to a church. Nuff said?
CLUB 7 NEW SPONSORSHIP DEAL (published
Was all that marching in vein? For pity's sake just say no!
Think of the children!!!!
TONY TAKES CONTROL
We will fight them with our peaches.
As the election looms, Meester Blair, leader of all England and Caledonia decides to take charge.
As our picture shows, the PM is displaying no signs of stress despite the climate of crisis and the imminent departure of his big pal Al Campbell. Now Mandy's gone too, will Tones be able to cope?
Try your luck at
escaping the tone clones in our brand new games room in the sports section.