ON COURSE (published August 7 2000)
Edinburgh councillors are hurling squillions of taxpayers' money into a dream scheme for a schemie theme park in the city.
The multi million pound attraction, to be named Schemieland, will feature white knuckle joy rides in simulated stolen Sierras and virtual back yards stuffed with broken washing machines and bricks.
A learning zone is also proposed highlighting the cultural phenomenon of the socially inadequate through the ages, including a fashion parade detailing the history of the shell suit, an exhibition of discarded Lidl's shopping trolleys, rusty white vans and pitbulls on a rope.
An entertainment zone boasting non-stop karaoke and a Kappa ceilidh is also planned.
However, opponents of the grand schemie of things point out that the derelict building site outlined for the complex is entertainment enough and should be left as it is for the enjoyment of the local community.
BIG DO (published August 7 2000)
(published August 14 2000)
Following the flop of the Dump the Pump campaign, a similar attempt to boycott financial institutes, called Spank the Bank has been organised by a bunch of rabid socialists calling themselves the Popular People's Black Affronted.
Spokesperson for the group, Harry Tosis, explained, "We want everyone to refuse to withdraw any money from their accounts next Monday. This show of solidarity will really show those fat cats we mean business, eh no?"
The Reckless can't help feeling they haven't really thought this one through. We put this point to Mr Tosis who replied:
'Power to the people.'
When asked who exactly the people were, Mr Tosis mumbled something about his mum and his best pals and jumped back on his Raleigh Chopper.
HAGUE (published August 14 2000)
Reckless would dig to borrow massiv respect to William Ague who as admitted
to downin 14 pints of bea a day in is youf.
Dis is da kind of geeza who should be runnin da turf - da kind of ellraisa who digs nothin more than staggerin around bars, offerin advice on da profound philosophical questions of da day, accusin udders of callin is policies a batty boy and challengin pinko subversives to a ruk.
We check forward to furtha revelations concernin da young stud's pullin prowess and erbal remedy takin binges.
(published August 21 2000)
Channel Four are planning an experimental new show in which company directors and politicians are locked up in a house with cameras watching their every move.
The programme will feature an unseen dominatrix giving instructions through a loudspeaker on how the naughty boys will be punished by their nanny, Big Mother.
A spokesperson for Channel Four said:
'We have been inundated with requests from leading public figures to participate in the show which promises to humiliate every contestant in front of millions of viewers.
'Each week, the members of the house will vote on who should be dealt the most severe beating from Big Mother and the last remaining lucky contestant will be completely stripped of any remaining shred of dignity and left to a life of unremitting degradation. It'll be fun!'
FAILS WOODWORK (published August 21 2000)
It has been discovered that Prince William has failed his higher woodwork exam, so really he's very thick indeed.
A palace sneak told the Reckless that, despite securing a place at St Toff's Varsity in the merrie olde kingdome of Fife, Willy Boy is actually incapable of comprehending the intricacies of the dovetail joint and would find it impossible to construct a facsimile of a stork out of the material known as wood.
It is understood his father, the Arsehole formerly known as Prince Chuck, is disappointed at his son's lack of basic joinery skills and is saddened that sawdust may never feature prominently in his offspring's life.
However he is delighted that the little oik is now off his hands for four years to ponce around Fife pretending to like art.
Local Fifers are believed to be wetting their pants in anticipation at the Royal One's arrival and are already planning a slap-up banquet of a fish supper at Pitenweem. These truly are indeed exciting times.
(published August 28 2000)
The BBC's new gritty serial 'Tedious Town' has been exposed as yet more traditional telly looking at naughty boys and girls. The Reckless says, Gie's a brek f'Chrissake. This kind of stuff is as predictable as the end of this sentence.
Leading academic, Ima Swot, appearing on Newsnight before the show's run, pondered why the generation depicted in the programme has no label yet, like the yuppies, punks, hippies et al before them. The Reckless has a few suggestions:
Drug Bores - just like Motorway Bores or 'God I was really pissed last night' bores.
LAMPs - Look At Me...Please!
SMUGs - Shallow Mundane Ugly Gits.
TOSSERs - Totally Obnoxious Self-Serving Egotistical Radges.
- Turgid, Wasted, Annoying, Tiresome.
DRUGS & SAUSAGE ROLLS
(published August 28 2000)
Bakers across the nation are facing a fiasco of disastrous proportions due to chaos exploding all over the shop.
It appears that the Sausage Qualifications Authority has failed to return a satisfactory yield on pastry product placement in Scottish bakers' window displays.
The failure to understand just what the bejazus this means has caused utter confusion amongst savoury snack fans across the country leading to a shambles, mess, calamity, debacle and, indeed, a near fracas.
It is understood that no sex and drugs are involved in this story and that they were merely mentioned as a desperate ploy for a funny headline.
A report has been sent to the procurator biscuit - it says, Who are you by the way and have you consumed any of the pies perchance?
WINS AWARD (published August 28 2000)
The Reckless has been voted number one Humour site in the July 2000 edition of Internet Monthly magazine.
The award means we are now officially the funniest site in the whole world. This has come as a bit of a shock to the editorial board who were under the impression that the Reckless was delivering a serious news service to schemies throughout the universe.
Editor Fat Boab Macswell commented:
'This a glowing recognition of the fearless work carried out by The Daily Reckless over the months. We shall continue to provide the people of Scotland, and indeed the entire universe, with a continuous stream of bilge designed to make us feel big and clever.'
As usual, he then went on to regale the editorial staff with hilarious anecdotes about really funny stuff that had happened to him and that.