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July 2000 Archive

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They're not the only flute (published July 3 2000)

A spokesperson for the orange order has announced that the movement is to get a radical new look for the 21st century.

Mason Boyne (for it was he) said:

'We're tired of being labelled bigots and hate-mongerers, so we've decided to re-brand by adopting the colour burgundy and wearing baseball caps and sarongs.

'We'll also be playing some wicked drum 'n bass tunes to compliment our normal repertoire which is also to be mellowed with the addition of some tasteful James Galway numbers.

'The guy at the front of the walk will no longer be twirling a baton, but will instead be demonstrating some Tai Chi moves. The other members of the walk are also to be given interpretive dance lessons.

'We'll still be beating up any old ladies or kids who cross our path, though.'

Heather the Weather at the end of her tether
(published July 3 2000)

HeatherThe BBC Scotland weather girl, Heather the Weather, caused widespread panic among the populace yesterday as she predicted cyclones, typhoons, tornadoes and monsoons for the whole of Scotland.

In an Orson Welles' 'War of the Worlds' type scenario, thousands of auld biddies across the land barricaded themselves in their homes while several fled to their basements, battening down the hatches in fear of a Wizard of Oz style battering to their heilan hames.

It is well known that Heather's cheery meteorological speculations are taken as gospel by everyone and the incident has brought into question the integrity of the BBC whose recent current affairs output has resembled Noddy Goes to Investigative Journalism Land. Apparently.

Heather said yesterday that she only did it for a laugh. 'I'm sick of saying "a mixture of sunshine and showers" every bloody night, so I thought I'd sex it up a bit. Tomorrow I'll be predicting comet showers over Tillicoultry.'

Horror as thickies demand longer life
(published July 10 2000)

Recent scientific innovations in the human genetic field has left several thick people wondering what the hell is going on.

The human genome project's customer service line has been inundated with people asking where they can get their extra 25 years life as promised by Bill Clinton to Leo Blair.

The widespread stupidity has fuelled fears of an emergent genetic underclass in light of the new findings.

However, top professor bloke, Bernie Bunsen, has rubbished such fears, citing the phone-jamming episode as proof that the genetic underclass have been around for a long time anyway.

"They probably think that David Bowie is the father of modern DNA breakthroughs, since he wrote the classics Gene Genie and The Laughing Genome.' he sniggered superciliously.

SWASHBUCKLING SIR SEAN (published July 10 2000)
It's Seanie's show la la la la

World famous Scotsman and woman batterer, Sean Gonnynodaethat, was involved in a fracas with the Queen last week whilst receiving his knighthood.

As Lizzie brandished her knighting type sword, Sean, sensing a royal slaying in the offing, reflexively retaliated with a pair of collapsible nunchakas cunningly concealed in his sporran.

He proceeded to whip out his skean dhu and parried with the old trout.

Although the Queen received only superficial injuries including two black eyes and a bloody nose,no-one was seriously injured in the fight.

However, several footmen reportedly pissed themselves at the sight of two OAPs buckling their swashes.

The incident was immediately dismissed by Shir Sean as irrelevant. He was also keen to gloss over the whole farce of a staunch Scottish nationalist being decorated by an English monarch.

The Queen is reported to have been shaken but not in the slightest bit stirred by the potty pensioner's actions.

EUAN HITS THE BUCKFAST (published July 17 2000)
PM's son's a right alkie so he is

After successfully kicking his Carlsberg Special Brew habit, Euan Blair has now allegedly turned to Glasgow's national drink, Buckfast, for comfort and general merrymaking.

He was last seen clasping several bonnie lassies to his bosom and declaring,

'Sara, I really fancy you. So how about it, eh?'

The prime minister is reported to be disappointed at his son's actions, having hoped he would have by now discovered the bon viveur's drink of choice - Vodka and Red Bull.

We await Sean's conversion to meths and hair lacquer with anticipation.





KALAHARI RAM RAIDERS RUN RIOT (published July 17 2000)
Police baffled beyond belief - blimey!

A gang of 7ft tall Kalahari bush men are running a chaotic campaign of catastrophe around Scotland.

The ten men, with a tower of metal bands round their necks and wielding 12ft long wooden spears adorned with brightly coloured ribbons and feathers, have so far eluded capture by 5 Scottish police forces.

After initially robbing a kilt and gift shop in Inverness and making off with 18 yards of deftly woven Macpherson tartan, the robbers then made their getaway in a dazzling orange and red neon Ford Transit.

Further incidents involving daring ram raids on Dobbie's sweetie shop in Methil and Greggs the bakers near Falkirk resulted in reports of their being caught by the Trossachs.

However, police sources have confirmed that they have no idea what's going on entirely and they are asking the general public to be wary of any slightly unusual behaviour in their neighbourhood and stuff like that. The words 'Scooby' and 'Haven't a' were also mentioned.

BARBER GOES MENTAL (published July 24 2000)
'I couldny stop'

Master Barber Stevie Todd of Abercrombie went literally berserkly mentaloid doolally yesterday as he was unable to stop cutting hair of all descriptions. Owner of the wittily titled, 'Get Yer Hair Cut Here' salon, Stevie, 84, said:

'I couldny stop. Some punter was in having a pudding bowl bob special and I carried on shaving off his eyebrows, trimming his beard and moustache and yanking out his ear and nose hair. I don't know what came over me, really I don't. Wibble.'

Several shocked passers by related how the crazed barber ran out the shop indiscriminately shaving and shearing people and animals in his path.

One victim, sporting a hastily cropped No. 2 cut, whined:

'Look at my dog. He's a pedigree shitsu, now he looks like a whippet.'

As he was led away by the rozzers, Mr Todd claimed that, after 60 years the combination of small talk, black & white pictures of immaculately coiffured male models and the scent of brylcreem had finally driven him bananas.

Your intrepid reporter beat a hasty retreat before being offered something for the weak end.

TOOTH FAIRIES IN NEAR MISS (published July 24 2000)
Moneyed sprites in mid-air scare

A high-flying disaster was narrowly avoided yesterday as two tooth fairies veered away at the last second from a collision course.

It is understood the winged bestowers of good fortune were returning from separate under pillow pound coin laying exercises when the almost tragedy occurred.

Apparently they were dazzled by the glare from the Queen Mother's smile on her birthday.

The tooth fairies union commented that this latest incident vindicates their fears. They have long campaigned to have our Ma'am's pearly yellows hidden from the public gaze for several centuries now.

No-one was hurt in the drama but it is believed an incisor was dropped from a great height, landing in a bowl of soup in a west end restaurant where it was mistaken for a crouton. The unfortunate diner who choked on the tooth was rushed to hospital but later died of embarrassment.

QUEEN MOTHER - A HAZARD TO SHIPPING (published July 31 2000)
Keep those toothypegs under control Ma'am

It's that Ma'am againReports are coming in of another disaster involving the exposure of our favourite centenarian's molars.

Several naval frigates have apparently sunk without trace in the North Sea after being distracted by the gleaming yellowness emanating from the Queen Mother's mouth.

It is believed the ships' captains were momentarily disorientated, mistook the custard-like vision for a peculiarly stunning sunset and went to bed without putting the lights off, leaving the boats to meander aimlessly and sink.

No-one was hurt in the sinking but they all got eaten by sharks anyway.

SOUTER MAN A POOFTER (published July 31 2000)
Oh dear

Following the arrest of Sopious Souter's right hand man (oo-er), Barry Pinkie, for soliciting a male prostitute, the soapy one has remained uncharacteristically silent.

It is understood that Sopious has given Pinkie a good dressing down (fnar, fnar) and handed him his (dirty) books.

A spokesperson for the Stagecoach bus operation of which Pinkie was the head (tee hee), commented:

'Mr Pinkie has been relieved [no, stop it, please. I'm pissing myself - Ed.] of his duties and we're not going to play with him anymore. Haven't you got anything smaller than that? Move right to the back of the bus please.'

The Reckless regrets any harm it may have caused sensitive readers with its heavy handed single entendres.

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