FIGHTS BACK (published June 2 2001)
'Nobody ever thinks of the egg in these situations,' he whined. 'We are the innocent victims of a system geared towards the oppression of all shell suited species and it's time we spoke out.'
While the extent of Calimero's speech took many commentators by surprise (it is a common misconception that he only ever uttered 3 words in his life), his continuing rant in the style of Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver (a John Swinefever lookalike) left many listeners both dumb and, indeed, founded:
'One of these days I'm gonna get myself organisised. I'm not taking anymore. One day a rain will come and wash all the scum off the sidewalk and Ibrox park.'
When approached by a representative from the egg marketing board, Calimero flashed, 'You looking at me?'
A FULL WEATHER
FORECAST (published June 9 2001)
The Reckless brings the weather straight into your computer to give you the full effect of misery without all that blethering about isobars and frontal systems malarkey:
THE SECRET DIARY
OF JEFFREY ARCHER (published June 16 2001)
TUESDAY: Stayed in and read 3 chapters of morally uplifting verse.
WEDNESDAY: Stayed in and wrote 3 chapters of morally uplifting verse.
THURSDAY: Purged my mind of all unpure thoughts. Didn't take long because I don't have any of course.
FRIDAY: Led a totally blame free existence all day, as I do every day of course.
SATURDAY: Gave all my possessions away to poor people.
SUNDAY: Slept with a prostitute and bunged her £2,000 to keep quiet about it. D'oh!
COPYCAT CARNAGE (published June 16 2001)
Our exclusive footage reveals the moment Chuck snapped and the horrendous consequences:
SEX MANUAL SHOCKER
(published June 23 2001)
Dumb dumb, dumber and dumb
Jeffrey Archer is attempting to jazz up his current predicament by producing a sex manual for people with a rudimentary grasp of jiggy diplomacy.
The new tome offers tips, guidance and diagrams for bedroom duffers from the master of sexual shenanigans himself.
When asked to make a comment Mr Archer had nothing to say but winked knowingly at no-one in particular.
Sick bags were provided for innocent passers-by.
TODAY (published June 30 2001)
In a shock development all over the place, including this very planet upon which we squat and ponder, nothing has happened at all.
It is the moment all news hounds have dreaded since first man put quill to papyrus. Gripped by ennui, the populace have decided to do nothing in order to frustrate journalists and nosy people across the what is still continually being referred to as the globe.
Hence the necessity of this verbose nonsense, or as Shakespeare once said, 'Oi, get off my tractor!"