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June 2002 Archive

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NATTY NUT JOB (published 1 June 2002)
Glasgow Kiss Ketchup

The recent nutting of Jakie from the popular beat combo, Jammies Required, has revealed a fortunate consequence of this outrageous violent act.

Close up footage reveals the plucky singer was carrying a poke of chips at the time of the incident and so received an unexpected garnish with his culinary treat.

CAT EXPLOITATION (published 1 June 2002)

Feline follies

Not to be outdone by the Pratris game, gamemakers have also released Catris:

However, other unscrupulous types have also been using cats as feline slaves, using them to wipe their dirty monitors:

BLAINE BOUNCES BACK (published 8 June 2002)


Cooky magician, David Blaine has announced his intention to perform ever more wacky stunts including extreme pogoing. Our footage reveals David rehearsing the dangerous feat at a local park. Onlooker fatalities were luckily kept to a minimum.

Blaine also joined in the Queen's jubilee celebrations, dropping in for an informal bounce:

We can also reveal the latest merchandising surrounding the plucky trickster, including this unique twist on the popular game Tetris, provisionally entitled Pratris:

BIG BOW WOW (published 8 June 2002)

Collosus Canine Capers

Big Dog

Producers of the latest Big Brother series have decided to inject a large dose of fear into the programme by introducing a huge mechanical dog.

The giant pooch has been programmed to eat the week's most annoying contestant instead of the traditional voting out system.

JARVIS JAWS JAPES (published 15 June 2002)
Cocker Swings Free

Top pop beat combo front man, Jarvis Cocker narrowly avoided the jaws of death yesterday during his daily rope swing exercises.

The Pulpy singer was taken aback by the sudden appearance of a giant moggy in the grounds of his sumptious 18th century mansion but managed to skillfully avoid being Whiskas.

TITANIC TOMFOOLERY (published 15 June 2002)

The tragic truth

titanic tomfoolery

Film recovered from the wreck of the Titanic has revealed the real reason behind the dramatic sinking of the famous big boat.

It would appear rouge half human bears seized command of the liner hours before it sank in order to have a bit of fun before the bitter end.

ITCHY ARTS (published 22 June 2002)

Old Versus New

A late entry for this year's Turner prize by artist Dame Ian Hurts reveals the conflict between old and modern art.

MAY MAYHEM (published 22 June 2002)
Axeman spliced

Previously unseen footage reveals the tragic consequence of the over enthusiasm of weary firemen at the recent Jubilee bash.

Unable to stand any more guitar wailing from the permed pomp performer atop Buck House the gallant firefighters boldly let rip.

SANDY CINEMA SOON (published 29 June 2002)
Super Scot Soars On

Following his spectacular trellis clambering, Big Brother escapee, Sandy has been snapped up for the latest superhero role in Hollywood.


OLIVE'S MAJOR MAKEOVER (published 29 June 2002)

On the Buses star's new role


Olive from On the Buses

Startling revelations from the world of dodgy 70s sitcoms as Olive from On the Buses is exposed as having had a complete makeover in the sex and racial area to become a leading exponent of the Brazilian beautiful game.


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