They're primates not marsupials!
Following the exposed thickness of a former St Andrews graduate on Who Wants to be Humiliated in Front of Millions? the Reckless proudly presents some clever monkeys.
They do say that if you leave an infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of typewriters they will eventually come up with the complete works of Shakespeare.
Well at last a start has been made on this important experiment. We have harnessed the finest monkey brains in the world and you can watch the results of their incessant typing live below as they come in....
A pigeon was spotted on the roof of the BBC studios in Glasgow yesterday causing excitement and alarm on a scale not seen since the infamous It's Cold in Scotland news coverage.
A Reporting Scotland spokesperson, Zara Facmac, commented, 'As a spokesperson I find it increasingly difficult to find stories about bicycle wheels so it gives me great pleasure to declare this supermarket open.'
When asked what the Daffy Duck she was on about, Ms Facmac replied, 'Bring back Mary Marquis and stories of chaos on Scotland's roads. This is what they want. No way John Toye though.
'Pigeons are all very well but you can't beat a good old Someone From Scotland Has Done Something Somewhere Else in the World So There story.'
Jackie Bird commented, 'Look, look - a pigeon!'
EVERYWHERE (published 10/3/01)
Or click on the image above to go to the Comic Relief site and donate squillions of moolah.
Recent advances in medical boffin land and chronic shortages in living space in Kelty have led to the prudent trimming of the populace by splurging them together.
The latest such experiment was recently revealed at the Oxford debating debacle with Michael Jackson (himself an early beneficiary of this face-breaking procedure) and Uri Geller (a spoon bender).
WILL SAMUEL PEPYS
PLEASE COME TO THE DIARY ROOM (published 24/3/01)
Dr Who has travelled back in time in order to supply the latest desperate participants for Big Brother.
In his guise as Tom Baker, he has managed to secure the services of Samuel Pepys, Jack the Ripper, Attila the Rangers fan, Methusla, Amy Turtle and Vanessa Nutz.
When asked to explain how, as an actor playing a fictional character he was able to perform such a scientifically impossible task, Baker replied:
'Do not question the ways of the Time Lord. It was I who recaptured the extinct men's perm from the dark and wistful seventies and placed it on the head of Henry McCliché.
'I, who, when all around were losing their hats, invented that bizarre creature Ainsley Harriot - a being so sure of his comic persona (based on the result of splicing Dale Winton with Finbar Saunders) that his every utterance, no matter how banal,is intoned as if to imply a witty double entendre.'
Old hams die hard, my friends.
IRVINE FOR PUNK MUSICAL (published 31/3/01)
It is believed the pair have already penned several numbers for Irvine's upcoming punk musical 'Aw, fer Duck's Sake!'
Other numbers in the pipeline include:
Livestock are up in hooves over the recent decimation of their pals. Our latest report reveals the extent of cattle protest across the country.
Those bovine boys are really mad now: Click here for latest moos.