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The Daily Reckless
May 2000 Archive

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GAIL PORTER TRAGEDY (published May1 2000)

Still breathing, unfortunately.

REFERENDUM DOWN (published May8 2000)

Sopious Soutar has denied that his referendum on Section 28 is complete pants after voting forms were sent to dead people, pets and inanimate objects.

A computer error has disrupted the distribution process of the poll about the government's clause on freedom for queers, resulting in confusion as posties vainly attempt to locate Genghis Khan in Anstruther and Joan of Arc in Cowcaddens.

The Daily Reckless has courageously jumped to the rescue by offering to photocopy the forms and send them out to real people in Scotland.

Since many Reckless readers may have difficulty understanding the intricacies of the Section 28 debate, our photocopy will helpfully amend the referendum question to, 'Poofs - good idea/bad idea? - delete as applicable.'

Since many Reckless readers may have difficulty understanding the word 'applicable', the words 'bad' and 'idea' will be in bold italics, underlined and in red.

LOVE BUG BY-PASSES LEITH (published May8 2000)

The Love Bug virus which crippled the world's computer systems last week is thought to have completely by-passed the PC users of Leith.

Lisping Leith police dismissed the idea that anyone would send a message containing the words, 'I Love You' to anyone residing near Easter Road in Edinburgh.

It is thought the expression, 'Any jellies ya radge?' would have had a better chance of success.

STREET GOLF IN GLASGOW (published May8 2000)
Sticks and stones break windaes

The craze of street golf, originated in San Francisco, has spread over the Atlantic to the mean streets of Govan.

Having no decent green patches to speak of and plenty derelict sites with rubble, the locals have taken to whacking missiles around council estates.

Unlike their American cousins, however, the Glaswegians do not even posess any second-hand golf clubs or balls and have taken to lobbing half bricks around with discarded blood-stained baseball bats.

Enthusiast Tom Shyster (handicap: pure mental), explained:

'We canny afford ti hob-nob in diamond Pringle jumpers wi swanky posh wankers so weez hiv goat thegither ti mak wur ain amusement an that, by the way.'

Police are treating the cases of increased boulder damage as suspicious.

AARDVARK RESIGNS (published May8 2000)
Animal alphabet disaster

The aardvark has resigned as first animal in the English dictionary. It is believed that the constant pressure to come first in any listing of the world's natural species has finally taken its toll on the African burrowing mammal.

A concerned Rolf Harris cried yesterday:

'We'll miss the liddle fella. He's so plucky.'

The Reckless understands that a raft of animals (as opposed to an ark) are queueing up to usurp the aardwolf's natural succession by applying for an extra 'a' to be added to their name. These include the ant, armadillo and notoriously dumb ox.

The zebra, long rumoured to be suffering from low self esteem, is also said to be considering its position as permanent backmarker.

An aardvark
An aardvark yesterday

TRAVIS TRASH HOTEL ROOM (published May15 2000)
Nice Boys Turn Nasty

Aaaaaargh!Scotland's cutest pop stars, Travis, were involved in a fracas at the Auchenshoogle But 'n' Ben Guest Rooms yesterday.

It is believed that the band deliberately left their beds unmade and a discarded pan drop was found stuck to the shagpile.

Landlady, Flora Homely (95), clearly distraught by the incident, commented, 'They seemed like such nice boys too. One of them even told me he hadn't brushed his teeth the morning they left. I'm 95 you know.'

The anarchy seems set to continue as lead singer, Flan, snarled yesterday: 'I have an overdue library book and I'm not afraid to read it.'

The nation trembles.

CARDINAL COMES CLEAN (published May15 2000)
Are Ye Winning?

Hunky!Cardinal Lostit, spiritual leader of all Caledonia, has confessed his undying admiration for barmy bigot, Sopious Soutar.

'Soapy's great, Soapy's smashing, he can do anything!' gushed the cheeky cleric yesterday as he revealed his love for the balloting busman.

'When it comes to banning buggery I'm behind Soapy all the way. I admire his courage, his moral stance and his pert physique. Let's face it, he's gorgeous!'

The Reckless says that it never really liked Cardinal Lostit in the first place and we are becoming increasingly concerned with the antics of Sopious himself who seems more keen on hanging out with Boy George than bashing bum bandits these days. That's it - we're not playing anymore.

The Daily Reckless is now looking to back another fearless campaign designed to strike fear in some other minority/ethnic/unRangers type group. Pledge your support now for Schemies for Scotland.

THE SCOTSMAN SELLS OUT (published May22 2000)
As if

Amid strenuous denials from chief Andrew Neil that his paper is becoming increasingly Anglified, The Scotsman today launched its new Warm Beer and Cricket supplement.

The SNP (Scottish Ninja Party) condemned the move as outright barbaric and inside left atrocious.

Commenting on this latest twist in the ongoing Daily Mailification of his paper, Mr Neil said:

'It's absolute nonsense to suggest we're aping the Mail. In fact our new tabloid supplement has lifted most of its ideas and format direct from The Guardian, so there.'

'Indeed our new weekly magazine's articles on Morris Dancing, bulldog rearing and bubble and squeak recipes illustrates our commitment to international coverage from a Scots perspective. More tea, vicar?'

The Reckless has learned that Neil's attempts to secure a knighthood have been thwarted due to the confusion inherent in the phrase, 'Arise Sir Kneel'. It is thought the sight of a permanently bobbing newspaper proprietor would have the Queen pissing herself.

SCOTTISH EUROVISION ENTRY (published May22 2000)
I'll Boom Bang a Bang Ye!

Following the announcement of a possible Scottish entrant for next year's Eurovision Song Contest, several enthusiastic bands with no shame have offered their services.

Travis are considering reworking their top pop tune, 'Turn', by substituting the word 'La' for the title refrain. The constant repetition of this word is thought to be endearing to a multicultural European audience.

Lead singer, Flan, commented, 'Of course, we would have to make minor alterations to the rest of the lyrics, possibly adding a few more las and purging any word longer than one syllable. I am thinking this would be very catchy, ja?'

But nae, nae and thrice nae, missus, the madness doth not stop there. Pwimal Scweem have expressed an interest in interpreting that tailor-made Scottish classic 'Shang-A-Lang' for the Euro market, the original perpetrators being ensconced in nefarious practices.

It is also thought that the much neglected Strawberry Switchblade are considering reforming for the occasion to perform a new composition, 'Peace, Love , Harmony and a large Frankfurter Baguette Please - Bang Bang.' Or maybe not.

SURVEY SURVEY (published May29 2000)
Major survey surveys surveys

A national survey has revealed that surveys only serve to perpetuate the surveillance techniques perpetuated by surveyors.

It would appear that many people, whilst suffering from a surfeit of surveys, are actually addicted to surfing surveys for more information about surveys.

A spokesman for Surveys Anonymous, Blethers Shite-Constantly, stated: 'Surveys have shown that surveys can have a detrimental effect on people's conception of real life and how it should be lived.

'Whenever an addict encounters yet another meaningless statistic such as '67% of male Eskimos prefer fish to reindeer' their perception of reality shifts, often with serious consequences.'

A recent case involving several survey addicts found that 99% believed everything they read.

WUR DOOMED (published May29 2000)
Run for the hills!

Babs Cartman John (Dr) Feilgud

These two people (Babs Cartman and John [Dr] Feilgud) are no more - think what this means. Yup, that's right, life as we know it is no longer worth living. The end of the century is now officially the end of all that was nice in this world. Pink, fluffy darlingism is dead.

Let us pray.


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