-Oi, Mcleish, up here! My dog has no nose.
- Really? How does he smell?
- What d'you mean, how does he smell? He's got no nose. He can't smell. What are you and your new model army gonna do about it, eh?
- Uh, have you seen a vet?
- Yvette? I haven't seen her in years. Anyway, what's she got to do with the price of parsnips?
- So you bloody should be. Call yourself a minister? Where's your dog collar then?
- I'm not that kind of minister, actually. I don't do your work. I am the god of all Scotland and I give you...Fire! duh duh duh. Now leave me alone and pass the cough sweets.
SQA HAY! (published
The mass resignation of the SQA board has sparked off a series of copycat gies a brek scenarios throughout the country.
In a lemming type manner, whole companies' big chiefs and general high heid yins are handing in their jotters declaring they're gein up.
The entire board of Tunnocks, Barrs, DC Thomson and Greggs have walked out, throwing the nation into utter chaos.
The government is believed to be drawing up contingency plans but can't find the crayons due to a mass walkout at Crayola. Waddingtons - the board game makers have also been left without a board.
As queues of sheepish panic-buying shareholders began to form at banks and other capitalist swine institutes, Iggy Pop declared yesterday that he was bored, he was chairman of the bored. He is lengthening his log, he's living like a dog. He's bored.
HEN GAG REJECTION
In the continuing effort to make the First Minister smile, Henry Mcleish was asked yesterday why the chicken crossed the road.
Big Hen insisted that the chicken had in fact hit the ground running and contingency plans were being drawn up in order for it to make a robust contribution to the prosperity of the nation.
Sarah Boyakasha, the transport minister, confirmed Hen's statement and added, 'We have invested heavily in poultry crossing mechanisms and many of these policies such as lollipop ladies near farms are being implemented.'
Mrs Boyakasha refused to confirm whether the ladies of the lollipop persuasion were being paid chicken feed.
Meanwhile Mr McLeish (for whom no amusing surname had been found by the time this paper went to print) rebuffed allegations of cronyism by stating categorically that he and the hen in question were not related.
MARRIES MANNING (published November 18
Taking a break from her trampoline lessons, the sprightly centenarian told a fawning press yesterday:
'God bless you all, but especially me. Bernie and I are a match made in heaven and it's only a matter of time before we make that match real. Bring it on.'
She then picked up her mobile phone and gently intoned down the mouthpiece:
(published November 25
The recent heavy flooding across Europe has dripped down into Hell, dowsing the flames, causing mayhem and generally spoiling everybody's fun.
A spokesman for the Devil said yesterday,
'It's hellish. I've never been so cold. They'll be skating on the River Styx tonight! Already they're throwing snowballs around willy nilly. The place is going to rack and ruin.'
The disaster has come amid preparations by the welcoming committee for a special slap-up reception party for expected new arrivals, the Queen Mother and Bernard Manning.
QUIZ SHOW SMUT
Hugely popular quiz cum food show, The Weakest Link Sausage, came under fire from TV watchdogs yesterday following complaints from viewers over its insensitive handling of dead serious issues.
Viewers were shocked to hear one contestant comparing the show's atmosphere with Middle Eastern countries which are always fighting each other and getting on each others' nerves and that.
People also complained in their droves after the show's presenter, Anne Bobbinspants, maniacally dismissed a contestant with a cackling, 'You are thick as mince....Die, scumbag, die!!!!'
This followed the lewd nature of much of the questions, as the following example shows:
Complete the following line, Love me for a reason, let the reason be...
No, my twenty seven and a half inch penis.
A new hybrid of scary quiz shows can be seen here at Who Wants to be The Missing Link, where contestants get the chance to take a pop at their favourite presenters.