ANTHRAX FAX PACKS
ATTACKS (published 3 November 2001)
These are the facts. Media hacks can't relax as deadly sacks of Anthrax fax packs held together with tacks and wax are being distributed by quacks on the backs of yaks over railway tracks.
A spokesperson for the Unnecessarily Alarming Rhyming Association, Max Jacks, yesterday held aloft a rubber chicken and claimed: 'This is no laughing matter.'
When asked why he was being so irrelevant, Mr Jacks replied, 'My cardigan is beige.'
Another spokesperson for the Postal Workers With Dandruff Counselling Agency and Alliteratives Anonymous, Anton Armitage-Aardvaark, explained:
'There are no answers available at the moment but as soon as we know what the questions are then you can be sure that we shall endeavour to ascertain the significance of it all. Are you finished with that Strepsil?'
A report has been sent to the former Julie Driscoll.
SUCCESS (published 10 November 2001)
Dead clever doctoring types have successfully performed a humour by-pass operation on a man in Lumphinnans.
It is believed the man (who unfortunately cannot be named due to his highly amusing nomenclature) was anxious about accidentally being funny at inappropriate moments and requested the drastic solution to be carried out forthwith and with the utmost speed in case his jocular ejaculations became uncontrollable.
The ground-breaking surgery was greeted with enthusiasm by other medical boffins who claim that recent cases of side-splitting were getting beyond a joke.
A jokesperson for the Amusing Anecdotes League, however, claimed such treatment, if allowed to escalate unchecked, could force Comedy Clubs to close and force Comedians underground.
A spokesperson for Cave Dwellers Anonymous immediately welcomed the expected influx of comics to their darkened lairs, adding, 'It's great being underground you know. You don't have to worry about the rain and telesales people can't reach you.'
Another spokesperson from the Things Totally Unrelated to Anything Else Corporation, said 'I don't think this is a good time to bury anything just now. What with Winter coming in and everything.'
Meanwhile a spokesperson from the Spokespersons Union claimed his members were extremely overworked.
A retort is being sent to the Perculator Pistol.
CORNERED (published 17 November 2001)
Exclusive footage obtained by the Reckless reveals that the scourge of Western civilisation, Captain James T. Caveman, has been tracked down to a bunch of caves and trees in an online Flash game.
Incredibly, the captain has managed to clone himself by harnessing the technology of Scottish scientists not averse to a little goat and sheep duplication.
It is believed that, ooooh, minutes of fun can be had indulging in the frivolous antics of this game.
If you would like the chance to participate in the virtual capture of everyone's favourite bogeyman, then click here:
THE INTERNET NOW (published 24 November 2001)
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