FAT BOYS GRILLED (published December 2 2000)
Dubious polis tactics

Police yesterday questioned several fat boys in the Drumchapel area of Glasgow after a chip shop van was stolen and later set on fire.

It is believed the incident provided free suppers for all in the surrounding area and police were acting on a tip off that oversized people may be the likeliest suspects.

Several big boned action groups lobbied Strathclyde Polis Headquarters to complain of unfair treatment. It is understood they were incensed by the faraway nature of the burning chip van and were denied access to the free scran.

No deep fried mars bars were reported injured in the incident.

SURGEON SHRINKS KIDDIE'S LEGS (published December 2 2000)
And why not?

Following the operation to increase the height of a young girl who wanted to be an air hostess recently, the Reckless can reveal that another surgeon has successfully reduced a young boy's height by sawing half his legs off.

It is understood the poor young chap had always dreamed of being a jockey but was too tall.

Surgeon, Dr Hackinbitsoff, said yesterday:

'I'm very pleased with the results and have kept the extra bits in case any parents decide their child shows potential as a basketball player.'

The boy's delighted mother, Bet Magrannyonthegeegees commented:

'It's simply marvellous what you can get on the NHS these days. We tried hiring a professional kneecapper but it was just too expensive. Young Johnny is now six inches shorter and will soon be able to ride a horse once he's mastered the rudimentary skills required to actually walk.'

Little Johnny, 1and a half, said yesterday:

'Goo.'

QUEEN WRINGS PEASANT'S NECK (published December 9 2000)
Off with his pus

The Queen was secretely photographed wringing the neck of one her estate workers yesterday.

It is believed that she is bored with killing dumb animals and has now turned to killing dumb labourers to satisfy her increasing bloodlust.

The peasant involved, Numpty Naebrains, is understood to have volunteered his services as a human sacrifice after hearing of Her Majesty's increasing ennui.

He is expected to be posthumously rewarded in the New Year's Honours list with an OPE (Orrible Plebs Everywhere).'

MARADONNA MARRIES IN MARYHILL (published December 16 2000)
Numpty nuptials

Maradonna is the latest celebrity flocking to Scotland to tie the old conjugal knot. He will be spliced with his teenage sweetheart, Gail Ritzy at a star-studded ceremony at Maryhill registry office next Tuesday.

Sources close to the cocaine addled soccer superstar say his trip is part of a reconnaissance mission involving a future signing with Hibernian Football Club.

Hibs manager, Alice Mcleish commented:

'Yes, it's true. We have decided to revert to our policy of signing old soaks in order to ensure catastrophic failure following our heroic start to the season. George Best played for the Hibees once you know. He doesn't remember it but the owner of the Jinglin' Geordie does.'

*This report has been vetted by our dedicated team of hungover Henrys following allegations of poor journalistic quality by some readers with a high expectation threshold. It failed.

NODDY IN KIRKCALDY (published December 16 2000)
It's Christmaaaaaas!

Following a spectacular appearance in Coronation Street's 40th live extravaganza edition, Noddy Holder has made a fleeting visit to Fife as part of the pointless 'Celebrities to visit places which rhyme with them' campaign by the increasingly feckless Reckless.

Other events to come include:

Martin Sheen in Aberdeen
Gordon Durie in Inverurie
Edward Heath in Cowdenbeath
and
Postman Pat's black and white cat, Jess in Inverness.

EDITOR'S XMAS MESSAGE (published December 16 2000)
Deck the fat guy with black wellies - tra la la la la la la la la

In this age of cynicism, irony and pink blancmange it is all too easy to forget the real meaning of Christmas, goodwill and general merriment.

So let us join together this festive season, dear readers, and see if we can't harness the communal feelings of love, peace and harmony which we all surely have nestling deep within our ample bosoms and spread some of that spiritual joy amongst those less fortunate than ourselves - the poor, the dispossessed and the readers of the Daily Record.

For theirs is a life of unremitting hardship, misery and intellectual paucity. Toiling day in, day out, in the pathetic hope of possibly being flung a handful of tiny stale breadcrumbs from the overstuffed banqueting table of human kindness, they eke out a bare existence with their mottled, grimy hands in the misguided hope that maybe, just maybe, someday, somehow, a miracle shall occur, a blinding revelatory light shall shine out and verily they shall win the lottery.

Oh sod them, let's get pissed.

NICKETY NACKETY NOO NOO NOO (published December 16 2000)
It's the Bonny Wee Cooper of Fife!

Since it is the season to be jolly, the Reckless has decided to get absolutely squiffy and talk complete twaddle. So, no difference there, I hear you cry.

No, but listen (or Hark! as we are wont to say at this time of yeeha!). Satan Claws is coming to town, apparently, and he's weighing up the incidences of naughtyness and niceness abroad in the parish. So you'd better watch out, that's all.

Don't expect any prezzies if you have done any of the following this year:

Agreed with anything Soapy Soutar has said.
Bought a paper with a red masthead.
Hummed along to a Westlife song. Known what a Westlife song is.
Said, 'Can I phone a friend?' in mixed company.
Laughed at the above in mixed company. (What exactly is this mixed company of which you speak? - ed) Been an editor.
Pretended to be an editor. (That's not funny - ed)
Used parenthesis to proclaim your viewpoint.
Said, 'You are the Weakest Link - Goodbye!' (especially if you are a leading politician)
Won a million pounds.
Written a nasty letter to this wonderful organ (Hi ALM!)

Do expect prezzies if you have done any of the following this year:

Crossed a kangaroo with a ball of wool and been genuinely amazed at the result.
Observed any poultry crossing a main thoroughfare.
Delivered an amusing riposte after answering a query from a bemused householder responding to your door knocking activities.
Said,'Is that a firearm in your slacks or are you merely insane?'
Laughed at the above.
Participated in the Miss Pants contest.
Wrested control from the clutches of the multi-national global capitalists.
Had a pie.
Instigated world peace through a combination of the redistribution of wealth and enlightening the masses by spreading worldwide your personal existential philosophical musings.
Had two pies.
Been involved in a major international incident...with hilarious results!
Pretended to know what on earth is happening at all...ever!
Gratuitously used ellipses and...exclamation marks!!!
Contributed to this humble rag. Yo Reenie! Your email working yet?
Written a nice letter to this mighty organ. (Hi everybody else).

The Reckless will be getting paraletic at Christmas so don't expect anything new next week unless some drunk misuses the vast bank of computers in our penthouse office suite. We should be back before Hogmanay with the Best of 2000 edition. So stay tuned and Merry Christmas to all our loyal fans. (We know who you are, both of you).

BIRDS IN PANTS CALENDAR 2001 (published December 16 2000)
This is what they want

The Reckless proudly presents an indispensable guide to the year ahead with our unique 2001 calendar stuffed with burds in thur pants.

Cut out and keep your favourite month or, should you find scissors unable to cope with the task of monitor mutilation,

click here to get an eyefull >>Phwoarrr!

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