PARK AND HIDE (published 3/2/01)
Mental valets man!

Our exclusive picture shows the result of recent over-reliance on Fife's new Park and Ride service for weary punters leaving their cars in the hands of deranged parkies.

NUMPTIE THE VAN DRIVER SLAYER (published 3/2/01)
Weedgies to Wow the World

Now in production, the Glaswegian version of Buffy the Vampire slayer is being shot on the mean streets of Pollockshaws.

The film portrays the gritty drama behind the ice cream wars which threatened to fill the city full of raspberry ripple back in the Seventies.

The producers claim to have tracked down the actual 99s and Oysters used in the original fracas and claim the innocent hundreds and thousands involved in the strife have given the OK for the project.

An insider on the set promised the film would be dead scary and that.

DUNDEE FIGHTS BACK (published 17/2/01)
Dundee's brilliant - really.

Dundee's city dignitaries have hit back at claims that their city is shite. Footballer Claudio Caniggia's wish to get the hell outta the place and David Hasselhoff's refusal to stand for rector of Dundee University have been dismissed by the town's mayor, Jim Jam, as not fair.

In a passionate defence of his city's achievements, Mr Jam reminded an assembled throng of spellbound press hacks yesterday that if it wasn't for Dundee there would be no jam, jute or journalism in the world.

In what is being described as the most blisteringly emotional speech of the millenium, Mr Jam, said, "We're not playing anymore. So there!"

Stunned onlookers reluctantly left the vicinity in alacrity soon after, but not before sampling the local delicacies of Tunnock's cream wafers and caramel logs laid on by town caterers Minnie the Minx and Desparate Dan.

"Aye, it'll be a cold day in hell before anyone dares to slag off our beautiful city again," commented a local jammy jute-suited journalist.

ERMINEM SHOCKARAMA (published 24/2/01)
Queen Mother confesses to rap ecstasy cum debauchery cum all ye faithful nonsense

In what is being seen as a pile of nonsense, the head of the family they call Royal has announced her undying devotion to rap music in a frank and walters interview.

From her new caravan in the grounds of Buckingham Palace, the old fool announced:

'Hey, excretia happens. One is having an electric throne installed in the muthafuhin lavvy. One is also carving one's faggots with a chainsaw and enticing one's subjects to pop Seven Seas at every opporchancity. Now naff orff you 'orrible oiks before one kicks some bottom. My name is, my name is, my name is Queen Mutha.'

OLD FIRM DENOUNCED (published 24/2/01)
The Young Flaccid Hit Back

Recent allegations of favouritism have been hurled at Scotland's elderly following recent governmental policies endowing them with freak hair, free Wurther's Originals and centrally heated baffies.

Now their boast of being old and firm is rankling the young and flaccid. A spokesperson for the Youth of Today, Dr Draylon Curtains, said:

'We have been investigating, researching and generally fiddling about in the murky recesses of the wrinkly underworld and have discovered some startling facts. Firstly, these people are taking up way too many of our earth years. Secondly, they have indeed consumed all the meat filled pastry cases and, thirdly, they never get as much homework as me.'

It is believed that Dr Draylon is telling his mum and that severe retribution of a tongue wagging nature may ensue.

Many middle-aged persons, meanwhile, have expressed concern and bewilderment at the whole situation and don't know which way to turn. Signposts have been strategically placed outside B&Q stores throughout the country in order to help them.

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