GOATS SPEAK OUT (published May19 2001)
We Have Hooves Too

Animals of the goatish persuasion, have at last made their feelings known vis-à-vis the foot and mouth disease.

Head of the goats union, Billy (no relation to any King beloved of bigots) said, 'All through this crisis we have kept our inanely grinning mouths shut for fear of being culled along with our other hoofed comrades, but now we feel it is time to bleat out.

'How come nobody wants to eat us, eh? We are consistently left out of the equation when it comes to meat delicacies. I mean, it's not as if farmers are fattening us up with the remains of our brothers or anything. We have a strict diet of nibbling clothes hanging on washing lines and other amusing articles which we have consistently chewed through years of representation in comics and films.

' No, I fear it may be the humorous butting we occasionally administer upon people's comical buttocks in the aforementioned amusing situations which has prejudiced folks against us. That and all those new agers who bear an uncanny resemblance to the male of our species.

'And as such I here and now declare war on Trolls and suchlike who have terrorised our gruff brethren over the years.'

When asked to stick to the point and cut out all that meandering tangential stuff, Billy proceeded to indeed comically butt our reporter's highly amusing buttocks.

back to top