DEN (published October 2
Athletes and fast people in general are reeling at the latest allegations of a veritable drugs orgy cum bonanza cum all ye faithful at the seven squillionth and ninety three point four Olympic games.
A dramatic new twist to the usual steroids and go faster type narcotics of choice favoured by our heroic sporty ambassadors has emerged. The have-a-go swimmer, Eric "the Eel" Moussambani, has admitted pouring copious amounts of valium down his throat whilst smoking hash.
This would account for the splashing about in the bath, doggy paddle style of swimming which has brought the jolly Equatorial Guinean his notoriety and that.
An Olympic spokesperson, Mike Rutch-Hertz, said:
'Yeah, right, like isn't it cool how the blue wobbly stuff manages to stay inside the like white square pool bits and shit, uh? Is Teletubbies on yet?'
(published October 2
The incorruptible Olympic guvnors responsible for choosing new sports have named a whole new raft (hey there's another one!) of events for the next games.
After this year's fab tally of medals by the Brits, next time will be even better since we're really good at stuff like Blind Man's Bluff and Tiddlywinks (both, alas, not included, but believed to be under consideration for the future).
Here is a full list of the new events:
- Rugby and Knitting.
STARS AND THEIR
A brand new celebrity cum impersonation type food extravaganza TV game show is about to hit our screens with a resounding splat.
Stars and Their Pies will feature really famous and interesting people wittering on about their favourite pies and how they like them cooked.
It is understood that some shows may take place in a garden for added excitement. Interior design tips are also believed to be heavily featured.
The Reckless has managed to sneak a peek at the first episode which has Una Maclean waxing lyrical about the Forfar Bridie. We can exclusively reveal that it is utter pants.
If you need a pie and you need it now, then why not check out Reenie's Recipes in R2.
THE BEATLES WERE
A new book out this week claims that, contrary to popular belief, The Beatles were actually rubbish.
The controversial tome claims that the whole of pop music in general is just a lot of noise made by long haired yobbos who can't speak properly.
The book's Mancunian author and keen local historian, Ken Barlow, says:
'Well it's just bang crash thud, really isn't it? I feel it's a shame that artists such as Perry Como and Steps are often overshadowed by the supposed talents of trash rockers such as the Beatles. That John Lennon - he couldn't sing you know. They had to get Cliff Richard in to dub over the tracks. He was the Walrus.'
The book also reveals how George Harrison faked his own death in 1965 and nobody noticed.
Other shocking revelations include how Ringo Starr hid class A narcotics in his drumkit which was made of plasticine and the disclosure that 'Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds' was not a veiled reference to LSD at all but was in fact about a woman called Lucy who sold diamonds on airplanes.
The book, which
is set to sell tens of copies is sure to upset millions of loyal fans
who actually think that the Beatles were really good.
Tory spokesperson, Ray Cyst, says:
'And why not? Should be good for a laugh. We've tried everything else. We shall nationalise anything that moves and wrest control from the multi-national global capitalists. Then we shall redistribute the wealth amongst the poor and needy. Not forgetting free beer and fags for the under fives.'
It is believed the recent shenanigans in Belgrade have inspired the Conservatives to come over all radical in an ttempt to convince the electorate that they really are dead sexy and that.
The Reckless political analyst overheard top party members rehearse their latest funky platitudes in some public bogs at Brighton:
'Kick over the statues!' screamed Ann Visigoth.
'Storm the Winter Palace in Blackpool!' yelled Michael Portaloo.
(published October 16
God said: 'Well, I've had enough basically. I'm really not up to the job to tell you the truth. I've had a few setbacks lately and I've listened to the fans who are telling me to go. I've had a lovely time and, hey, I came here with nothing and I think it's about time someone else had a go.'
It is understood God wants to spend more time with his wife and children - he's kept that quiet for a while. Unconfirmed reports, however, say that he's dying to be a contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire and since the rules forbid any omnipotent being from taking part he has chucked in the towel as all-seeing, all-knowing ubermeister.
Speculations as to a possible successor are rife, with both Kevin Keegan and Richard Branson as the bookies favourites.
A collection for the Lord's leaving present is currently being taken and any contribution would be gratefully accepted although God alone knows what you get the man who literally has everything.
The leaving bash will be held at The Pagan Arms next Friday night for the rest of eternity and all are welcome, even the atheists - hell, why not, eh?
(published October 16
Loads of dead brainy folk with degrees and that have decided to change the rules of mathematics because everybody was getting to know them and it was just no fun for eggheads anymore.
From now on 2 x 2 will be 73 and any number greater than 613 will have to be divided by the square root of an avocado before it can begin to exist as an integer or banana.
The new rules will come as a shock to schoolkids half way through their maths exams but then really that's just too bad.
Sammy Poltroon, Ejikashun Meenister, said yesterday:
'Hell, let's have some more chaos. Maths has been the same for centuries - it's time for a change. New Labour, New Maths - that's what I say. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!' he cackled maniacally.
It is understood that English grammar is next on the agenda to be radically overhauled and about played with were it is as such to speak so thereof but.
HORSE DRAWN CARRIAGE
Plans to bring back the horse drawn carriage to our roads are being made by Transport minister Gus MacGrumpy, 21¾, just in case lorry drivers and farmers decide to get uppity again.
Leader of the horses union, Whinny Shoeing, neighed yesterday: 'I think it's a great idea. Did you see those gorgeous specimens at the Reggie Kray funeral? Beautiful plumage! That's the kind of endearing spectacle we need back on our highways and byways. Plus it'll provide more jobs for excrement sweepers whose industry has been in sharp decline since the abolition of the jobby lobby and the invention of pooper scoopers which aren't up to the job of major equine droppage.'
An angry farmer said: 'What a pile of crap.'
An even angrier lorry driver, with a somewhat more extended vocabulary, said: 'What an accumulation of manure.'
A mildly annoyed politician with a penchant for pomposity pronounced: 'Show me a man who can shovel shit and I'll show you the dignity of labour…which pongs a bit.'
The rest of the world refused to comment on the grounds that they are the people and they reserve the right to be as thick as shite.
Nevertheless, your intrepid Reckless reporter managed to track down Mr Hankey from South Park only to discover that he is in fact a fictitious cartoon character and as such does not in fact exist so to speak.
And they say investigative journalism is dead. Well, they're right!
The Daily Reckless has received yet another glowing accolade. This time from the Scottish Highlands and Islands Tartan Police.
The award is in recognition of the Reckless's untiring devotion to meticulous Caledonian and International reportage. No, really.
In a tired and emotional speech, editor, Fat Boab Macswell, burped yesterday:
'This award is shiny and new and as such is a valuable contribution to news safety. I would like to thank you for the music, for giving it to me.'
Handing over the award in the swanky surroundings of the Auchenshoogle Boy Scout Hut in GlenGrotty, the Chief Constable of the SHITP, Colin Allcars, said: 'Where am I?'
MCLEISH V. MCLEAN
exclusive pictures show Hen taking it on the chin and a bloodied McLean
after the incident.
HEN (published October 30
We will be attempting to tickle the dour ex-East Fifer's fancy in whatever way we see fit over the coming weeks in order that laughter may ring out once again across the nation.
So if you, dear readers, have any jokes or suggestions which you think may make the (admittedly stylishly coiffured) minister guffaw, do let us know and we shall endeavour to turn this: