LOTTERY BID (published September 4 2000)
Dame Thora Hird has thrown her plastic rain protective head covering type thing into the ring in the fight to control the National Lottery.
In an attempt to thwart Richard Branflake's continuing desire for world domination by grinning, Thora has declared she has backing from a consortium of sprightly oldies who aren't taking it any more and are prepared to wash the scum off the sidewalk.
Speaking at the Scunthorpe Working Man's Club You to Death as Soon as Look at You yesterday, gutsy Thora spat:
'I'm determined to overhaul my stair chair and cream cracker image in order to portray myself as a thrusting go-getter and global capitalist adventurer. I have recently been offered a role in a Tarrentino flick (actually she was proffered a roll and a cappuccino biscuit, bless her - ed.), so I know what I'm talking about. Capiche? More tea vicar?'
The Dame intends to squander the profits on herself and her pals at the local Whist Drive.
'Good causes are all well and good,' she snarled, 'but basically all I want is a good time and plenty moola, so stuff the people. Show me the money!'
Marks & Spencer's new ad campaign has been dealt a severe blow due to revelations about their smart but tastefully stylish tops causing wearers to go doolally.
The blouses, believed to be in the 'I'm Extremely Abnormal Actually' range, have caused mayhem on Princes Street, Embra, where the outbreak first manifested itself.
Hordes of normally placid, middle-aged ladies rampaged through the store's lingerie department pinging bras and knickers whilst screaming, 'I'm naked!' and demanding refunds on their badly stitched balaclavas.
Several passers-by had to be treated for shock by a doctor who luckily was in the shop returning a soiled pair of surgical stockings. He commented, starkly:
'This is not normal.'
(published September11 2000)
The groovy musical outpourings of Robin Harpic, Dennis Caravan and sundry other Scottish MPs are doing a roaring trade on the internet.
Following their successful cabaret show - We're Dead Mental Us! - at this year's Edinburgh Festival Sideburns, the recordings of the shows have been swirling through cyberspace like naebody's business.
The MP3 download site, Shyster, has been inundated with requests for such classics as 'Get ti Falkirk' and the group's stirring updating of 'Scots Wha Hae!' - 'SQA!'.
OK, so it's a feeble pun but somebody had to do it. It's not easy writing this stuff you know, especially now we've got a whole other supplement to pad out with extra drivel. Have you checked out the exciting new R2 section yet?
ADVICE (published September11 2000)
Troubled Education Meenister, Sammy Deathray, has turned to the pages of a national newspaper for succour and advice.
Yes, it is to this very organ he has saught help. In the Agony section of the R2 supplement you can find him pouring out his heart to our resident Agony Cousin Twice Removed (a lovely and compassionate being despite suspicious grumbles to the contrary).
Donald Dewar, King of all Scotland, is understood to be worried over Sammy's mental health and has suggested to his dad, Tony Blair, that Mr Deathray be offered the job of Dome supremo.
'I am convinced this is a major contribution to road safety,' said a somewhat confused Mr Dewar yesterday.
The government is believed to be going
(published September18 2000)
Polar bears across the globe are up in arms (and womble-like legs) about their working conditions and are demanding higher temperatures forthwith.
It is believed the white and furry cute, yet indescribably ferocious creatures are heartily fed up with being bloody freezing and want out before the polar ice caps melt.
A blockade of all major roadways across the continent of Europe is expected any time now as militant bears make known their grievances. I wouldny mess with them, by the way.
for the PBU roared yesterday, 'That's it. We're not taking it anymore.
We're heading for the sun because we've heard it's a lot more fun there
and you get to go off your chumps on illegal substances in heady climes
such as Ibiza and that.'
Tonka Toy manufacturers are rushing out new models of lorries and tractors to meet the sudden surge in demand following the fuel crisis.
Kids across the country are going wild for the funky heavy goods vehicles after witnessing their heroic road blocking escapades throughout the land. Plastic figures of irate motorists, defiant truckers clutching tiny Yorkie bars and angry farmers brandishing pitchforks are also being produced to accompany the hard-wearing toys.
Mattel are also rumoured to be interested in producing a new line of action men based on the lumberjack-shirt-clad lorry drivers and their straw chewing country cousins.
A spokesman for the company denied they were also considering supplying figures of smug oil company bosses rubbing their hands in wicked glee and waxing moustaches in an exaggerated fashion.
A Tonka spokesman also denied rumours that the toy trucks would include deflated figures of striking miners painted on the side.
As the growing Honey Nut Loops shortage crisis deepens, the long lost brother of Evel Knievel, Fuh, along with west coast ennui expert, Weedgie Bored, have pledged to pull off a superbike stunt in order to raise money for the cereal deprived.
They will attempt to clear a long line of lorries on Princes Street wearing only a crash helmet and open-gusset pantaloons. Why they have chosen to do this remains an impenetrable mystery. Suffice to say, making up funny names is not big and it's not clever.
It would appear the overwhelming chaos enveloping the nation is having a detrimental effect on humour writers everywhere as deliveries of funny lines fail to materialise and wit supplies dwindle.
In these dark days, the Reckless advises everyone to stay indoors and get on each other's nerves. Becoming irritated by your nearest and dearest's endearing little traits is a guaranteed way of taking your mind off other stuff as any fuel knows.
Following the missile attack on the MI6 HQ in London, our jannie on the street, Seth Quagmire, managed to sweep up a pile of paper blown from the building onto his dustcart.
These included top secret documents revealing surprising future government plans such as free beer and fags for the over 90s, surveillance cameras embedded in lottery tickets and exploding mobile phones.
The government dismissed the evidence as idle tittle tattle and denied any involvement in anything at all. They refused to respond to our penetrating, hard-hitting questions, even when we asked them what their favourite colour was.
This has made the Reckless suspicious and we think these people intend to run the country, supervise our welfare state and look after our economy. What kind of government is that, eh?
Unsubstantiated rumours of the death of political satire have also been strenuously denied by loads of really important people with only the barest grasp of the English language.