Send me your problems (if you really must) and I shall endeavor to remedy your situation. Honest. I won't laugh. Promise.

Email : Dear Agony Cousin Twice Removed

Dear ACTR
As a victim of consonant broadsheet harassment it was a pleasure to receive the Reckless words of wisdom from yer guid self..I'm giving up the dress(thanks to Fiona ffitch-ffrump's sage advice) and going back to ma man.

Yours in 9 letters(4 vowels,5 constants)
Carol Drovermanawa

PS ACTR love the name,really classy.

Dear ACTR I'm a very model of a modern politician(and a really cool hairstyle) but whit can I do with colleagues like Doris K?

Billy

PS I have no thoughts about yer name.

Dear ACTR
I understand from my best pal Fiona that this is THE agony column of choice (great name,so original). I write in the hope that you can help with a neighbour from hell. He's always been trouble but the noise since he got married is more than anyone can stand.
How can I make him realise the error of his ways. I have 4 kids to transport and a husband and career to manage. I need ma sleep.

Yours,very sincerely
Cherie

Oh that's bloody typical isn't it? You modern career wimmen want your cake and your sleep. I advise you to get a proper job and try not to look manic when you're out in public. It frightens the children you know.- ACTR

Dear ACTR
I have heard from Sammy and Donny that when it comes to problems you are the best there is (despite the name). It is free of charge isn't it?
I write because I am in despair about a neighbour from hell. The walls aren't that thick and his family make such a racket - police at the door, baby crying etc etc.
I canny get a wink of sleep and my spouse wants to move. Obviously can't move next door just yet (ACTR please delete that last sentence).What can I do?
Anyone would think we were to blame for the petrol crisis.

Yours,very frugally
Prudence

Try not to worry and just give us all free beer and petrol you tight git.- ACTR

Dear ACTR
I jist dinnnae understand,so I don't. Why is everyone picking on me just cos I'm in charge. Wha's really tae blame? It wisnae me. Whit can I do - please help ACTR (whit kin of name is that for an agony aunt?)

Yours in desperation
Sammy

Obviously you are a victim of this insidious modern blame culture. I blame the parents. - ACTR

Dear ACTR
Its aboot ma boy Sammy. He works for me but I jist dinnae ken whit to dae with him. With every step he takes things get worser and worser. His Unca Tone hasnae helped. Whit can I dae? Who can replace him? Just look at the choices and me wi a condition tae. Please help ACTR.Whit kin a name is that for a problem page?

Yours in agony
Donny

Now listen, I'm getting sick of all this moaning about something which is obviously of great concern for worried parents, teachers and children throughout the nation - namely, the name of my problem page. I can't help being who I am - you got a problem with that? - ACTR

Dear ACTR
I can see an opportunity to take over a senior position but it means stabbing a colleague in the back. I didn't get where I am to-day by not stabbing but is this the right opportunity. I am Capricorn. Please help ACTR. Great name by the by.

Yours in anticipation
Angus

Thanks for the vote of support Angus. Just you go for it pal.- ACTR

Please help me - I am at my wits end. My best friend's mother has run off with this week's rent and I've no money for fags. What will I do?

Puffer

Consider this an ideal opportunity to give up the demon weed and try doing something to help the community instead. Go and cut the old biddie's hedge next door or something. That should make you feel better and what's more will turn you into a caring citizen. - ACTR

My cat just died and I am very distraught at the surplus amount of cat food I have in my pantry. Do you think I could flog it off to someone who has a healthy cat, or even a dog as I hear they'll eat anything. Please help me. There's over twenty tins.

Rolf

Don't you know there are people starving in this world? For god's sake get a grip and relinquish your profiteering tendencies. Send your unwanted tins to me and I will ensure they reach a good home. Interesting point about dogs by the way. Down Rover.

Is it quite common to have an extra testicle? I'm a little concerned as no-one else I know has this problem. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't hanging off the end of my nose.

Zak Zurplus

You should thank your lucky stars you have any balls at all. Some of us have to get through life without them you know. God, I don't know, some of you people are so selfish.

I'm a bit fed up and have decided to take my own life. Can you advise me as to the most fashionable form of suicide these days?

Anthea Turner

I'm glad to see you've reached a positive life decision, Anthea. I believe self garroting by chicken wire is very "in" at the moment.

I have been arrested for stabbing the old biddy next door with a pair of shears and am now languishing in a cold, damp police cell with a crazed individual who appears to have a peculiar growth on his nose and some damn TV celeb running around with chicken wire round her neck. Both are non-smokers. Can you help me?

Puffer

Come on, cheer up! Have a nice cup of tea. That will make things all better and scare away the nasty man and lady. Honestly, what a bunch of whingers. Pass me my blunderbuss Marjory, I'm going huntin'.