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NEWS published 12.02am

BIG SCARY CRIME FIGURES
Oooh, lock the door, I'm dead feart


16 Million big huge crimes happened last week. Is that no scary or what? Feel feart, feel very feart.

So what you gonna do about it, eh? Probably talk about all they really hard bastards down the pub and pretend to be disgusted by it all when really you have nothing else to talk about and it gives you a thrill because your own life is so empty.

The Daily Reckless loves you kind of people 'cos you're so shallow and worthless and yet think you're the salt of the earth.

Wake up, petty criminal lovers - you're actually worthless shitbags! Congratulations - you are our ideal readership and we love you.

 

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ATTEMPT TO BAN MISERABLE PEOPLE

2002 PUT ON HOLD

BAD MAN HITS LOLLIPOP LADY

THE END IS NIGH

WORKERS REVOLUTION IN THE OFFING

MUMBELESE DECLARED OFFICIAL LANGUAGE OF TEENAGERS

EAT FOOD

CUTE ANIMAL STORY

PEOPLE POOR SHOCK

FOOTBALLER SPITS

THE NIGHTS ARE FAIR DRAWIN' IN

DRUGS BARONS' NOBILITY QUESTIONED

MISSING LINK FOUND

IT'S ALL GOD'S FAULT

PIGEONS ON DOPE

TOLERANCE ABOLISHED

MURDER INCIDENTS INCREASING

TABLOID HEADLINES PREY ON GULLIBLE

NOW THAT WE'VE FOUND LOVE

PEOPLE IN GLASS HOUSES

POKEMON DRIVE BY SHOOTING

SEX

DRUGS

VIOLENCE

HEADLINES WANTED

SATIRICAL NEWS STORIES BEGIN TO LOSE BITE

AW, WHO BLOODY CARES

NOBODY'S READING THIS STUFF ANYWAY

I HATE YOU ALL

IT'S ALL SO BLEEDIN' POINTLESS

YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND

DON'T CRY FOR ME AL PACINO

GIRAFFES KICK ASS

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